Richard La Ruina is a complete piece of shit. I’d love to poke him in the eyes repeatedly over and over again until my arm gets tired and I fall into the deep, peaceful, dreamless sleep of contentment. Just to be clear I’m talking about the video game character Richard La Ruina. Any similarity between that awful bumhole and the probably really nice human behind the game who also coincidentally has the same name and personality is not my fault.
Super Seducer 2 (AKA Vaginal Fantasy 7) is the new game from Richard La Ruina, starring Richard La Ruina, about how awesome Richard La Ruina is. It’s so good in fact that when I accidentally googled ‘Super Seducer 3’ a few weeks ago while doing research, I found that a sequel is already planned, and it’s being billed as “the follow-up to the super massive hit game Super Seducer 2”. Imagine making a game so good that it’s a ‘super massive hit game’ before it even comes out. I say game, I mean self-congratulatory masturbatory advertisement for Richard La Ruina. Did I mention he’s in it?
The game is more of a visual novel or interactive movie than anything else. The gameplay is restricted to watching a piece of film, starring Richard, picking one of a few choices, and then watching a scene that shows you how that choice would play out. The choices range from polite and direct approaches to over-the-top sexual lines and some really silly options obviously added just for humour. If you do pick something like ‘literally just pull out my dick and start spunking everywhere’ and the ensuing scene doesn’t convince you that this was a bad choice, Richard will pop up with his panel of experts and explain in more detail why you can’t just jizz all over restaurants with impunity.
The problem with the whole concept is that you’re not really playing as you. You’re playing as Richard La Ruina. And we’re led to believe that Richard La Ruina knows how to get all the ladies. All of them. So what are we supposed to be doing again? Learning how to be Richard La Ruina? Shouldn’t the main character be some fat sweaty bloke in curry-stained trackies with a bowl cut or something? Then, perhaps, the subtle nuances of staring into a girl’s eyes and beckoning to her with my finger (like it’s a penis apparently) or just grabbing one of her boobs and openly weeping, would feel like they had more of a weight to them. As it is, it’s like playing the dating game with the difficulty slider set to story mode.
Then there’s the acting itself. All the conversations play out like they’re being reenacted by cyborgs in a dystopian future set after the devastating explosion caused by Richards ego finally exploding and levelling half of continental Europe. “Hello, my name is Richard,” says the reanimated face of Richard La Ruina, stretched haphazardly over a matrix of wires and processors. “My name is Jane and I am a woman”, replies the meat simulacrum seated opposite, her metal vagina already an extra 5% lubricated. A nearby supercomputer marks the interaction as successful and advances the sex counter to 12.
Anyway, I’m going to wrap this review up by being honest and admitting that I had quite a bit of fun playing this game, and some of the characters and acting are pretty funny. Probably the most fun to be had is just being rubbish at talking to women the whole way through and watching the scenes where Richard says something completely ridiculous. Maybe that just comes from an innate desire to see the smug smile disappear off his face. Although it somehow seems to stick around most of the time, even when he’s camply acting out faux shame during a scene when he gets caught throwing roofies in a girl’s drink, the cad. It’s certainly preferable to just picking the obvious correct answers and watching an endless stream of smarmy bullshit cascade out of Richards smughole. It turns out life is more fun when you aren’t being a creepy bastard.
All in all though, this isn’t really a game. It’s a high production value advertisement for Richards coaching services. It’s a game that Richard La Ruina (the video game character, not the lovely real guy) has seemingly created in the hope that its success will cause his ego to finally become corporeal and wank him off. But mostly it’s a fertile extra revenue stream for a man who already makes a lot of money from not admitting that a large part of his success comes from just hiring attractive women to stand beside him in his PR materials. Which is what this is. A PR promo film, disguised as a game. If that’s what you’re into, enjoy I suppose.
Super Seducer 2 (PC)
I forgot to try and shoehorn that reference in the review so now it’s in the score. 10 points to the person who knows what it’s from. The points aren’t real and you won’t actually win anything. Don’t @ me.
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