When I first heard about the movie The Meg I assumed it was gonna be a rom-com about someone called Megan who was really good at something, or something. When I realised it was about Jason Statham vs a Giant Shark (presumably called Megan), I tried to override my cynicism because every other review in existence is gonna waste a lot of time being cynical and edgelordy about it, like I normally would be about everything. Based primarily off the coast of Shanghai, China, The Meg is a rhythmically near-perfect adrenaline-filled movie, that is about Jason Statham vs a Giant Shark, as I mentioned.
Mana One is an underwater research facility that decides to go below the surface of what is currently believed to be the lowest point of the ocean. In doing so they discover a Megalodon, a pre-historic, thought extinct, giant shark, that has been on his own for ages and is just dying to talk to someone. Though this is ridiculous, the most unrealistic part for me is when Statham’s character claims he’s been sitting on a beach in Thailand for a few years doing nothing but drinking beer, then he takes his shirt off and reveals a body not representative of this lifestyle.
The characters are well acted and likeable but instantly forgettable, there’s nothing over the top and cheesy that doesn’t feel planted for our cynical entertainment, and Statham has been nerfed by the Chinese investors of the movie, which means he can’t make use of his degree in swearing but allowed me to make use of my degree in Chinese.
Sure, it’s a high budget version of recently-popular-again shark-related monster movies, almost definitely inspired by the ludicrously popular and flat-out ludicrous Sharknado, but with the budget and pacing that I think puts the more recent Godzilla to shame. There is just enough nonsense science mixed in with intense shark battles, primarily provoked by underwater lighting fixtures, for me to realise quite early on that the tongues of the writers were planted so firmly in their cheeks that I guess they now all look like Tyler Durden at the end of Fight Club.
I thought this film was great. Now for some reason I found myself primed and very much in the mood for this kind’ve movie so when I say it’s great, I need you to understand that I mean it’s a really great movie about Jason Statham fighting a Shark. It’s not Leonardo Dicaprio fighting a bear for an Oscar, it’s more… Stallone vs a stoat, or Arnie vs an armadillo or… well, Statham vs Shark is pretty much rock bottom of the similes here.
Fortunately, I feel people are more likely to be pleasantly surprised when they are dragged along to The Meg, rather than disappointed. Because if you go to see a film with this trailer, poster or concept and you don’t think it’s going to be about a giant shark, you are an idiot. If you go in thinking it’s gonna be shit though, you may find that you hate it a lot less than you expect, and will be happily eating popcorn and drinking an obscene amount of coke. Seriously though, those cups are massive, if I tried to drink over a litre of coke outside of a cinema, people would be concerned about me, why is it ok to drink this in the dark?
Overall the film was tense and incredibly well paced, as blockbusters go it’s definitely gonna be forgettable, but for the time you’re spending in front of the screen it’s enjoyable.
The Meg (2018)
For some reason, nobody eats a whole gateau in the cinema, even though that wouldn’t be out of place. I’m definitely going to do that now.